Sympathy notes are hard

Most purchased sympathy cards have a serene image on the front and an inside message intended to spare you the trouble of having to put words to the pain of loss.

If all you do is sign your name to a sympathy card, you may as well save yourself the trouble.

These cards wind up in the trash.

sympathy––sharing the feelings of others, especially feelings of sorrow or anguish

console––to give moral or emotional support; comfort

But empty words are like an empty envelope. Not worth the postage to send it.

Instead, pull out a blank card, an envelope, a good pen that doesn’t glob, and sit, thinking of your friend or relative or coworker until words come.

Words have the power to comfort and console when they are personal.

Of all the times in life when people need to feel that others care, it’s when walking through the valley where death casts its giant shadow. Experiencing death is when people feel most alone.

Some people will save the sympathy notes they receive and later reread the messages sent when their emotions were frayed.

“There is no fear in letting tears come. Sadness is a gift to avoid the nothingness of numbness, and all hard places need water. Grief is a gift, and after a rain, there is always more of you than before. Rain always brings growth.”                           

Ann Voskamp, The Broken Way, 142

Comforting words can wash over the soul the way ocean waves every day refresh beaches.

Where to start

Begin by using words about the person you are writing. Harness and focus your thoughts on them and their situation.

As much as it lies within you, put yourself in their place.

Imagine what memories might comfort them.

Use words that evoke feelings and images.

Depending on circumstances, you might mention the long process of letting go, or the suddenness of their loved one’s departure.

Either way, a survivor grieves their loss.

Extending sympathy is not an obligation. It’s an opportunity to reach out to someone whose need is acute.

Dear Friend,

Your recent loss keeps bringing you to mind.

How you must be hurting since _______ died.

Be sure to write out the name of the person who died or their relationship to the one you write, such as “your mother” or other close relation.

If you knew the person who died, make some personal connection; share briefly some memory.

If you were able to attend the funeral for the person who died, perhaps something that was said in their service stood out to you. People always appreciate hearing repeated kind words about their loved one.

Memories of ______ make it hard to let go. I remember when he/she …

If you did not know the deceased, you could express sympathy by telling the person you are writing that you can imagine them missing their loved one.

Brevity is kind.

Resist the urge to preach, share verses or quotes if those words in any way are sent to minimize a person’s grief or speed up their process of grieving.

Grief has no expiration date.

No one who is grieving benefits from the pressure other people can place on them to get on with their life. To get over a loss they may never get over.

Make no sweeping statements

Never say, “Your loved one’s death is part of God’s plan.”

Never say, “I know exactly how you feel.”

You don’t.

Each and every person experiences grief differently.

Don’t tell anyone where their loved one is now. That’s for the grief-stricken to work out, where they believe their loved one is now.

You simply don’t know. You should avoid sounding as if you do.

Never make pronouncements such as, “They are in a better place.” Or “They are watching over you.” Or “At least they are no longer suffering.”

In fact, never, ever start a sentence with At least.

“At least you have other children.” Or “At least you won’t have to take care of them anymore.” Or “At least you can get on with your life.”

Make no statement that evaluates a person’s grief. Period.

Give people space. In your note, leave more unsaid than you could say.

What you don’t know about a person’s loss can hurt someone. Resist the temptation to read into a situation you know little about.

May the days ahead bring comforting memories to console you.

You might conclude by saying that you hurt for the one you are writing as well as for their family. Your written words extend your heartfelt sympathy for their loss.